I'm back!

I haven't gone on vacation.
I haven't been too busy working.
I just haven't been here.

I don't just mean blogging.  I mean I haven't been HERE for a while.  I haven't been present in my own life.  I haven't been interested in anything.  Not decorating for Christmas.  Not celebrating the holidays.  Nothing.  I haven't been me.

Last year, on my old blog...back when I was in the middle of nowhere, I wrote a post called Club Med.  It was my take on coping with the fact that I take anti-anxiety meds.  It's a hard thing to wrap my brain around, but ultimately, I know it's for the best.

At the end of 2011, I came to the realization that I have seasonal depression.  I always assumed that people with seasonal depression suffered in January thru March.  But apparently, it hits me Mid-November thru December.

Looking back I want to hit myself over the head with a frying pan and yell..DUH you DUMB ASS!  Over the years, I have always fallen off the workout wagon in November.  I had my first grown up real life "meltdown" in December 10 years ago.  (I think they used to call them nervous breakdowns...not sure if that's what I had...but I did end up sobbing inconsolably for no real reason on my friend's couch...it seems close!)

So this year, I should have been prepared, right?  I knew the time was coming, and I should have taken steps to make sure I was taking care of myself.  That's what moderately intelligent middle age  Club Med members do, right??

Uh....No.

Without me realizing it, I got caught unaware.  And had another DUMB ASS moment.  The puzzle pieces didn't fall into place until my Boss/Brother JUSTIFIABLY yelled at me for dropping the ball on some work stuff.  Then the following 5 things all came together to give me a clear picture of what I will be up against every holiday season for the rest of my life:

1. I suddenly was completely unmotivated to do anything that I normally love to do...like decorating our wonderful new home for the holidays.  I made a good start.  Got most of the decorations up, but the totes/boxes sat around for over a week, and I never really finished.
2. I found myself watching hours and hours of TV every day, and procrastinating at work.  My part time job at the college was fine...I had to get up and get dressed and be there at a certain time.  I could totally fake that.  But my part time work at home job was Procrastination-City.
3. I ate like crap.
4. I was sleeping like crap, therefore oversleeping in the morning and missing my workouts.
5. I was really sporadic on taking my meds.

When I got yelled at on the phone, I was defensive and cried and tried to turn the blame around on him.  But within 5 minutes of getting off the phone...everything clicked and I realized that by missing my meds at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME OF THE YEAR I was letting 1 through 4 happen.

DUH...DUMB ASS.

Depression is insidious.  It is annoying.  It is different for everybody.  I know that I suffer from it, yet I still didn't notice the warning signs.  I wasn't  sobbing on my friends couch.  (I did cry at work over an argument with my husband over a hamburger...but that is a whole different story, and totally I was totally justified!!!)  I was getting out of bed every day, getting my kids to school, making dinner, paying bills...it seems almost self-indulgent to say I was depressed.  But the chemical changes in my body were there...they left me stuck on the couch watching ABC Family, eating every carb in sight, and ignoring responsibilities.

My wake up call happened 2 weeks ago.  Since then I have been diligent about taking my meds, and in doing so, I woke up yesterday morning and felt like myself again...except this time with a nagging cough.  I got dressed, even though I don't have to be anywhere this morning.  That hasn't happened in a month.  (I had been staying in my pajamas or work out clothes until the embarrassment or stench sent me to the shower)

I'm sharing this because I am 100% confidant that I am NOT the only person going through this right now.  If you find yourself in the middle of a "Switched at Birth" marathon, wearing your PJs, eating a bag of potato chips...you might want to consider it a warning sign.

Don't feel like a failure, or a crazy person.  Because you're not.  Don't be ashamed to talk to someone about it, or to ask for help.   There are more members of Club Med than you might think.  And we all need to help each other.